Dialogue

Jerry: You've got to admit that funny things happen to us, how about this that happened to me recently?
I am interviewing an elderly man who has just been admitted to my unit. We are going through all the usual questions. I finally get to the cardiovascular conditions and ask him if he has angina. He looks at me in amazement and replies "Why no! That is a female part".

James: That's good, something even funnier happed to me last year, just wait till you hear this.
One day, a patient comes in to see me. I know her well she has been coming to my clinic for over 30 years. She is a little crazy, but always very calm and gentle. This day, she keeps insisting that she is pregnant and in labour and that I should call the maternity department at the hospital immediately. So I start assessing her and interviewing her regarding her "labour pains". Then I ask her exactly how she could have become pregnant at her age. At this point she gives me a strange look and says matter-of-factly, "Well, if you don't know by now doctor, I don't feel like it's my place to tell you!"

Sarah: So what happened?

James: Well, it was the nurse who got to the bottom of it. She found out that the women had started having a physical relationship with man she met and the senior citizens club and she was convinced she was pregnant, the nurse pointed out to her that she had had her menopause and she went home. I've got a good story, this happened to our practice nurse.
One morning she's performing a complete physical of a patient for his insurance forms; this test obviously includes the visual acuity test. As usual, she places the patient 6 metres from the chart and begins, "Cover your right eye with your hand and read the chart". He reads the whole chart, even the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both", she asks. There was silence. He can't even read the large E on the top line. She turns and discovers that he had done exactly what she had asked; he is standing there with both his eyes covered.

James: Just goes to show how careful we need to be with our instructions. I've got another example of that.
I had a follow-up appointment with a patient suffering from heart problems. He tells me that he's been having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I ask. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" Well I get him to undress quickly and discover what I'm really hoping I won't see... Yes; the man has over fifty patches on his body! Of course the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one, but the bloke must have missed that key piece of information.

Sarah: Yes, but the instructions are often written in such small letters old people can't read them.

Jerry: Talking of misunderstandings, I've got one more.
When I was a junior doctor I am asked by a patient if his testes have gone black. Silently I pull the screens around the bed, ask him to drop his pyjama bottoms and have a look. "No everything's fine", I reassure him, "What made you think something is wrong?" "I don't think anything is wron", he replies, "I only asked if my test results have come back".

Glossary:
admit - przyznać
angina - dusznica
be in labour - rodzić
matter-of-factly - rzeczowo
senior citizens club - klub emerytów
acuity - ostrość
patch - plaster (z lekiem do wchłaniania)
bloke - facet
testes - jądra
screens - parawan

Part 1
A. When do the stories take place?
B. What tense do the doctors use to tell the stories?
C. Why?

Part 2
Usually when we report speech in English we shift the tense back,. Can you complete the following table?

1. Present simple
A. Past simple

2. __________
B. Past continuous

3. Present perfect simple
C. __________

4. Present perfect continuous
D. __________

5. __________
E. Past perfect

6. Past continuous
F. __________

7. __________
G. Past perfect

8. __________
H. Past perfect continuous

9. will
I. __________

10. can
J. could

11. must
K. __________

12. __________
L. should

13. may
M. __________

14. could, would, should, might and ought to
N. could, would, should, might and ought to

Part 3
Look at how we can report the first story if we use standard reporting tenses:

I was interviewing an elderly man who had just been admitted to my unit. We were going through all the usual questions. I finally got to the cardiovascular conditions and asked him if he had angina. He looked at me in amazement and replied "Why no! That is a female part."

Now do the same for the second story.

Key

Part 1
A. They take place in the past
B. Present tenses
C. People use present tenses to tell stories to add emphasis

Part 2
B. Present continuous

C. Past perfect simple

D. Past perfect continuous

F. Past perfect continuous

I. would

K. had to

M. might

5. Past simple

7. Past perfect

8. Past perfect continuous

12. shall

Part 3
One day, a patient came in to see me. I know her well she has been coming to my clinic for over 30 years. She is a little crazy, but always very calm and gentle. This day, she kept insisting that she was pregnant and in labour and that I should call the maternity department at the hospital immediately. So I started assessing her and interviewing her regarding her "labour pains". Then I asked her exactly how she could have become pregnant at her age. At this point she gave me a strange look and said matter-of-factly, "Well if you don't know by now doctor, I don't feel like it's my place to tell you!"

Note: Things that are still true e.g. the patient is still coming to his clinic do not change tense. Speech in speech marks (") doesn't change.